I am wondering if it is possible for people want to change and actually change? I know it doesn’t happen overnight. But I feel like we have something that I could never find in another person and if I have to move on for the sake of myself and my son I will of course. But I also feel torn and wonder if I would be stupid to have anything to do with him moving forward I would appreciate any advice you have!

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Dear Cheryl, Your story really touched me. But I want to start by saying that from what you told me he was introduced to your family life much too quickly.

When a single mother allows their child ( or children ) to become a part of the relationship too early on many unsettling traits appear in the men they’re dating.

The men begin to either ingratiate themselves with the children, with gifts and games, and assume that this takes over a large part of the relationship with the mother, which is a very false assumption

The men also begin to “tie down” the mother because of the proof of her previous sexual encounters (and the resulting children) always remind him that you had a life before him and will have a life after him (this last part not normally a formed thought until the possible end of the relationship), so they begin to make sure you’re not still looking for a father figure to finish off your family.

The controlling aspects that you described to me are exactly the type that do increase in the control the man will usually attempt over your life. Although I cannot fully understand what goes through his mind I think that your detailed descriptions do create the image of a controlling man.

You are much better off ending the relationship rather that “testing things out” by continuing the relationship while, hopefully, he continues counselling.

You were very savvy to be concerned with his actions, many women do not see the signs until it is much too late and they are isolated and trapped into a relationship that slowly becomes a living hell – and the more worse when children are involved.

The men seek approval of the children and unknowingly begin to rate their own lack of children (read: trophies) from previous relationships

And if you do at some point of the future, obey the 6 month rule: No introductions to your children until you’ve been dating at least 6 months. Introducing a boyfriend early in the relationship will always create an unexpected force to be dealt with that many men are not prepared to handle early on. And it’s extremely harmful to children that see, over time (and usually looking back on their youth) a parade of dates meeting with their mother.

My own mother had many “Saturday night dates” which involved the men coming to pick her up while we kids had our dinner. There were just so many names and faces that at 8 years old my own understandings of how men and women got together had a very bad effect on my early teens and dating.

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